Drugs Drugs Drugs!
Starting all the way back to the young age of 4 I was driven by fear. I had this notion of impending doom that would rule over me. I had this immense feeling of guilt and shame as if I had done something terribly wrong, this grew into me telling myself I was a piece of garbage. I also had this emptiness inside of me and it made me think I had no place in the world. Around the age 12 I found alcohol and not much later I started smoking weed as often as I could. I found that as long as I was high or drunk I didn’t have to be afraid anymore, I could forget what a piece of garbage I was, and I could be anyone I wanted to be. By the time I was 14 I was using hallucinogenic substances, xtc, and mixing variations of prescription pills together to find a sense of ease and comfort. One week before I turned 15 I used cocaine for my first time. I remember being waved into a basement suite bathroom by a group of older kids at a party, after that my use of drugs began to progress at an alarming rate.
Drugs worked really well for me for a while, there were fun times and fun people. Unfortunately before I turned 20 they stopped having the desired effect, they started hurting me and the people I loved. And sure enough all the guilt, shame, fear, and emptiness came knocking on my door again, I spent another 9 years in a perpetual hell. High jacked by the disease of addiction I kept digging myself deeper and deeper into oblivion. Near the end of my active addiction I was using fentanyl to balance out my cocaine high. I was awakened one morning to my alarm for work blaring in my ear, I felt very odd. I got out of my bed and walked to the bathroom, looking into the mirror I saw an awful sight, my face was purple and my eyes were dark black and swollen. The only explanation was I had, or was beginning to overdose in my sleep. I told myself I was going to quit for sure this time, only to get off work and get high again that very same day. My best friend had recently passed away from a brain aneurysm due to his struggles with addiction, and the reality of my dangerous lifestyle started to smack me upside the head. In 2017 I checked myself into a treatment center for 90 days. Since then I have been active in the recovery community and continue to apply the work necessary to stay clean and sober one day at a time. If anyone reading this is struggling or knows someone struggling with addiction please reach out to the website email.